Trashy Baby Names
If you want to ruin your child’s life – these are the names to go for.
Aldi and Lidl
This year’s top choice for twins. Aldi is a popular name in Piedmontese region of northern Italy and in its native Romance language means “Noble warrior of infinite grace”. Lidl, meanwhile, is Walloon for “chips”
It was the Beckhams of course who started the trend for naming their children after their place “where it all began”, after their first-born Brooklyn was conceived during a guided tour of the popular New York river crossing. Now thousands of us do the same, bestowing a whole world of exotic names on our children. (See also Margate, Corsa and Skip.)
Anything beginning with ‘K’
It’s a bit weird, right, when the person who got O. J. Simpson off (Robert Kardashian. Watch that David Schwimmer show. It’s actually quite good) calls each of his three daughters something beginning with K. That’s three Ks. You do the math. (OK, so, it’s probably more an alliteration thing. ‘Cause those Kardashians are pretty much the modern-day Bloomsbury Set.)
If you can call a baby Chanel, you can call one ASOS. Fact!
Not only is it easy to remember and applicable to everyone, which is handy if you’re having an affair, or a second family but it refers to Dirty Dancing and sounds soooo appropriate when you’ve grown into a 45-year-old woman with thick ankles.
Chardonnay is so over. And the shortened form ‘Beau’ aint bad. Jolais not so much.
Benson & Hedges
You have twins? Name them after something that you love.
And then, until the age of 7, he/she will think everything in the whole wide world is about him/her.
It’s like emoji, with jay on the end. Kinda pretty, no? Or you could just scrawl a winky face on the birth certificate.
A very minor character in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. So minor in fact that only a truly obsessive Star Wars fan will have registered its presence in the film. And as this particular demographic is unlikely to ever have sexual intercourse with a lady, its popularity is probably inspired by affection for the highly-regarded energy supply company of the same name.
Rather like the name Norman, Farage is a Norman name and first arrived on these shores in early 1066. Farage translates as “Leader of Man” and was first popularised by the Comte de Farage who, in the late 9th century, staged an unpopular political uprising. His battlecry, “Allez les bleus” was thought to be a reference to the hair colour of his female supporters. Farage occupied top spot in the 2014 Baby Names Top 10 but has faded badly since and many observers believe it could soon die out altogether.
For obvious reasons many a proud parent borrows the name of a globally-famous animated corpse for their newborn. Often said to be a name that a child “can grow into”, especially in advanced old age.
You’ll always know where he/she/he-she is…
Meaning: Person who trends, one of great significance. Often shortened to #. Often twinned with Twitta
(Little ‘h’. Always little ‘h’). It’s a magazine and a radio station. And there’s so much mileage with ‘on heat’…
A surprise entry for this rare and unusual name. Its origins are unclear but are thought to be inspired by the anthropomorphic vacuum cleaner of the same name, popular with builders and absolutely no-one else.
Seeing as the names Royalty (Chris Brown), Reign (Kourtney Kardashian), Royal Reign (Lil Kim) Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson) and Princess Tiaamii (Jordan) have already been taken by top celebrities…
Not, as many have claimed, a contraction of the Norse “Huthren” (meaning “Bringer of truth”) but an acronym of Homes Under The Hammer, a daily BBC property show popular with students, the retired, zero-hours contract workers and expectant mums.
Or any word for a flower as spelled by someone with dyslexia, preferably with a foreign bit of punctuation that doesn’t make any sense or a capital letter in the middle of the word just to make it extra-extra-special (as in ‘special school’).
Not just a zippy Ford. And if someone at Starbucks gets this wrong they really are a moron.
One who is full of goodness, a popular choice with Hipsters and Hippies and healthy eating bloggers.
For Mancunians with a sense of retail nostalgia. Kendall Jenner wishes she was this classy.
K-Y or anything beginning with ‘K’
K-Y (pronounced KY) It’s a bit weird, right, when the person who got O. J. Simpson off (Robert Kardashian. Watch that David Schwimmer show. It’s actually quite good) calls each of his three daughters something beginning with K. That’s three Ks. You do the math. (OK, so, it’s probably more an alliteration thing. ‘Cause those Kardashians are pretty much the modern-day Bloomsbury Set.)
Meaning: A dreamer or free thinker… one who is absent minded.
Jordan has gone back to Katie now that she’s not trashy anymore *stifles laugh* which leaves the Middle East pretty much open wide… Syria might be a little hot right now as is ISIS but there’s nothing to stop you with a Libya or a Marakesh. Or even a Gaza.
Linda-Claudia. Or Helena-Cindy. Or Naomi-Christy. Or-all-of-the-above
Because ‘90s supermodels shit all over any offspring of a #RHOBH (that’s Real Housewives of Beverley Hills, if anyone cares).
It’s, like, the third most used word in the English language so you’ll, literally, be on everyone’s lips literally all the time.
It’s like Apple, but will get more work done
Pänzé. Lye-Laque. High-D’Rangéa
It has been actually scientifically proven that the further you get away from the real spelling, the more trashy the name is and the worse the child will do in school.
Meaning: Vegan Princess – variation of Princess Tiiamii, chosen by Katie Price for her daughter
As in ‘pulled pork’, ‘pulled chicken’, ‘pulled etc.’. And you’d never tire of saying, ‘Get your coat, you’ve Pull’d!’. Though you might get tired getting slapped in the face.
Meaning: Stunning one, self aware. also see Poute, Emoji and Insta. Female version Selfia.
Once a very rare name used only by fictional time-travelling astronauts but now you can bump into one or more young Starbucks in every town, village, street, station, hospital or crematorium. The name is of course a portmanteau one: the “star” alludes to the dazzling stellar trajectory of its bearer, while the “buck” is the amount in dollars he or she will one day agree to pay in tax.
We’ve had Paris, Brooklyn and Sydney, so it’s time for a British revival. And it’s triple-barrelled so Americans will think you’re posh. And it’s got Tees in it. Well, if it worked for Dita…
Beyoncé has Blue, Cher had Elijah Blue and this is such a touching reminder of exactly what was going on the magical evening that child was conceived.
Because The Spice Girls are totally cool again. For realz.
No surprise that an untimely death saw this name rocket into the names chart, as parents across the world chose to commemorate the sad passing of a notable life by gifting this name to their boy, girl, or androgyne. When Hollyoaks’ hunky mechanic Ziggy Roscoe was killed in a suspicious gas explosion during the soap’s 2015 Christmas special, many viewers were left with the powerful feeling that they had lost not just a two-dimensional stereotype, but a personal, lifelong friend.
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