The 10 Most Awkward Rap Videos Of All Time
Here are 10 awkward rap videos that are so excruciating that they’ll make your testicles crawl back up inside you and invert your nipples.
1. Reh Dogg – Why Must I Cry
The sexy soapy shower scene. The unfocused eyes. The rolling around on the ground. The tense scenes when he holds a gun to his head and you realise shit, he can actually buy a real gun. The “rapping” like a man having an aneurysm. If you’d like to further explore his oeuvre, Reh Dogg has a prodigious output, none of which is likely to have Ghostface Killah sweating.
2. Dave Miles – MC Don
Dave showcases his MC toasting abilities in this video. Lots of “pip pop pop pop pop da car” and threats to “cut you like cheese”. The track meets its apotheosis with the slightly less gangster “Yes we come with vanilla cornetto”. Keeping it a bit too real.
3. Dave In Charge – Habitat
Dave is a popular name for shit rappers. Dave In Charge raps about ‘habitat’ but despite his English middle-classness he’s not talking about the swanky homewares store. Dave describes himself as a “conscious rap artist”, but you’ll wish he was unconscious. He’s got Kanye’s knack for self aggrandisement – on his blog he claims that he was “Excluded From Band Aid After Criticism” – closer reading reveals that he excluded himself after he criticised the event. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to exclude myself from the Pulitzer prize.
4. Zoe Gray- Fuck The Patriarchy
You can tell from her haircut that she spends a lot of time getting offended. She’s mad at the patriarchy. That’s liberal speak for “has daddy issues”, but she’s too middle class to get even by putting on some stripper heels and blowing a few bikers. So she’s done the most middle class white thing of all – recorded a terrible rap. Whilst we’re on the subject of identity politics, love, that’s cultural appropriation.
5. Worst Rap Battle Ever
The first guy, Envy, does alright. Not that anyone will notice because they’ll be looking at the awkward face of Eli next to him, eyes popping out of his head as he comes up on some strong MDMA. After a heavy rush, Eli stops rapping altogether, then comes out with some gems, as his eyes roll back into his head. “Rosie O’Donnell at a bisexual bible shower”? No idea, mate.
6. Brad Dassey – He Didn’t Do It
Remember “Making A Murderer”, the Netflix documentary about Steven Avery and Brendan Dassey who were allegedly (definitely) framed for murdering someone? Well his cousin has done a rap about it. Compared everything else on this list, it should win a Grammy, but he still deserves to serve 35 years in the hole for it, with no parole.
7. Unknown guy hanging on a fence and sitting in a hole
“I’m back again and doing this shit for you” says a man crouched in a hole, possibly doing an actual shit. Awful. Don’t even watch it, it’s not awful in a funny way.
7. The Cast Of Grange Hill – Just Say No
Grange Hill is an 80s kids TV show with a great theme biddly-bonk theme tune and a cartoon sausage in the opening credits. Remember Grange Hill’s exciting heroin storyline when Zammo ended up licking up heroin he’d dropped on the Grange Hill toilet floor. “Blimey!” the 8 year old me thought, “heroin must be bloody BRILLIANT!”
Poor Zammo. He already looked like a zika virus baby.
8. Sabrina – Boys Boys Boys (Rap break)
By the mid 80s, producers were sticking rap breaks in songs to make them “street”. Unfortunately, hip-hop is only really street when it’s done by people who grew up on the street, like NWA. Not when it’s mimed by a 40 year old keyboard player with a mullet, with lyrics like “Everybody has gotta car”.
9. Joe Pesci raps – Wiseguy
He’s a superb actor, but Joe Pesci raps like a man who couldn’t rap in the first place learning to talk again after a stroke. Nauseating scenes as every “respected mafia Don” cliche is rehashed – supermodels fawn over him, men pay their respects, fat men sit round tables and flick the underside of their chins with the back of their fingers. Joyless and abysmal.
10. MC Karl Rove
To be fair he doesn’t do much actual rapping, but to be fairer he doesn’t need to for this to be excruciatingly awkward. It’s his “hip hop dancing” which is about as culturally accurate as a Carry On film. I don’t remember NWA ever doing star jumps like this. Still, it’s better than Joe Pesci.
11. New Order – World In Motion (John Barnes rap)
Under EU law, all football songs have to be shit. World In Motion is supposedly a GOOD football song, but the John Barnes rap in the middle sounds like he’s reading it off a slow teleprompter.
13. LA Fear AKA Dirty Black
This guy’s got the looks (he’s black, he’s got muscles, he’s got homies, he’s got nice wheels, he’s wearing chains and shades), but as soon as you see his unfocused eyes and he starts rapping like a boxer being rehabilitated, it’s solid shit. Lyrics such as “baby like other positions like giving like taking” sounds suspiciously like he lets his girls strap one on and peg him.
14. Gangsta Love by Riak Riak
Is there a single neurologically damaged man who hasn’t done a really bad rap video? I’m starting to think no.
15. Cole the Rapper – I Eat Shit
He’s 14 years old, he looks like a cross between a fat Ozzy Osmond and a fat Ozzy Osborne and if you take lots of ketamine he still doesn’t sound anything like DMX. He’s apparently misunderstood rappers bragging about “getting pussy” as he awkwardly waves his cat around, artfully silhouetted against some patio doors. There’s a great bit at the end where he runs around topless in slow motion, pulling his shorts up. It’s not Baywatch.
Got another terrible rap video to add to the list? Let us know about it:
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