David Cameron’s final PMQs translated – what he REALLY meant
Today was David Cameron’s final appearance in Parliament for Prime Minister’s Questions. Here we have his speech translated to show what he really meant – and his best jokes.
“The Tories got on with it – we had resignation, nomination, competition and coronation. Labour haven’t even decided what the rules are yet. If they got into power it would take about a year to work out who would sit where.”
The Tories got on with it – we had resignation, resignation, resignation, no competition and coronation. Labour actually have more than one person who wants to lead the party
“This morning I had meetings with ministerial colleagues and others,” he told the Commons. “Other than one meeting this afternoon with Her Majesty the Queen, the diary for the rest of my day is remarkably light.”
This is my last opportunity to shamelessly namedrop for a while. I’m going to miss being important.
UUP MP Danny Kinahan suggested vacancies Cameron could consider. “I’m told that there are lots of leadership roles out there.” Kinahan said: “There’s the England football team, there’s Top Gear, there’s even across the big pond a role that needs filling.” Cameron replied: “I think I’ll pass.”
Mate, I couldn’t get hired to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Do you think anyone’s going to let me do anything important?
“We need to make sure that, as we leave the European Union, we work out how to keep the benefits of the common travel area. My advice to my successor, who is a brilliant negotiator, is that we should try to be as close to the European Union as we can be for the benefits of trade, co-operation and security.”
I know the UK voted for Brexit, but I promise that nothing will actually change.
“the Kurds are incredibly brave fighters and are doing valuable work against Daesh in Iraq and Syria. I will look carefully at the suggestion of using the Birmingham hospital for battlefield casualties.”
Yeah mate, just chuck them on a donkey, point its nose at Birmingham and give it a good hard spank on the arse. Good idea. Nice one.
“As for homelessness, it is still 10% below the peak that we saw under Labour, but the key is building more homes.”
The other key is increasing the size of Starbucks cups so that homeless people have space to collect the £700,000 necessary to buy one of these new homes.
“In New York I walked down the street with Mayor Bloomberg. Everyone came up and said, “Mayor, you’re doing a great job.” No one had a clue who I was, until eventually someone said, “Hey, Cameron. Prime Minister’s questions—we love your show!””
Is anyone at ITV4 listening? You could put me on after Storage Wars. If you don’t do it, Sky will.
“There is a rumour that somehow I do not love Larry [the 10 Downing Street cat]; I do, and I have photographic evidence to prove it.”
You thought fucking a pig was bad? There are photos of me loving a cat.
“Jeremy Corbyn is reminding me of the Black Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. He has been kicked so many times, but he says, “Keep going, it’s only a flesh wound.” I admire that.”
Also Jeremy Corbyn looks like he hasn’t showered for a while and has a medieval approach to jobs for women within his shadow cabinet.
Jeremy Corbyn: “I would also like him to pass on my thanks to his mum for her advice about ties, suits and songs. It is extremely kind of her, and I would be grateful if he would pass that on to her personally.”
I fucked your mum.
David Cameron: “Let me send my best wishes to your family as well.”
Oh yeah? Well I fucked your whole family.
“The last thing I would say is that you can achieve a lot of things in politics and get a lot of things done. Nothing is really impossible if you put your mind to it. After all, as I once said, I was the future once.”
You can even take a stable government, strong economy and well regarded tenure as Prime Minister and flush it all down the toilet by arranging a completely unnecessary referendum.
Here are the highlights from David Cameron’s final PMQs:
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