Jeremy Corbyn is TOTALLY electable. Here’s why…
Why is the Labour Party trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn? It doesn’t make any sense. He’s swelled membership of the Labour Party by hundreds of thousands. If that many people are willing to pay £3 to join Labour, surely millions more will vote for him for free in a general election. Here are Corbyn’s best policies which explain why Jeremy Corbyn will DEFINITELY be Prime Minister:
1. Reopen the coal mines!
Evil Thatcher closed the coal mines because she wanted the economy to be based around horrible well paid jobs titting about on Facebook in offices above the ground. Jeremy will reverse this and ensure Britain has enough coal to supply its many steam trains and spinning Jennies. Good honest socialists will be queueing up to work in a cramped cold wet mine with rats running up their trousers and the exhilarating risk of losing a lung to emphysema or dying in a mine collapse! The resulting emissions from the dirtiest fossil fuel will be offset by Jeremy riding his bike really fast.
2. Give control over the Falkland Islands to Argentina!
The Falklands had a referendum; an overwhelming 99.8% voted to remain a British territory. Jeremy’s listened to those 0.2% of people, looked at the strategic and economic importance of the Falklands to the UK, and decided to cede control of these islands back to Argentina anyway. Maybe he doesn’t like penguins?
3. Reunite Ireland!
A recent opinion poll in Northern Ireland showed a 65% to 17% majority for Northern Ireland remaining in the UK. And many believe that reuniting Ireland would spark instability and violence. But Jeremy sees past these people’s uninformed decisions and would reunify Ireland anyway. Nice one Jeremy!
4. Leave NATO!
A military alliance of North American and European countries, NATO has kept us tied to the capitalist pig-dogs of the West since the end of WW2. With Jeremy leading Britain’s withdrawal from NATO greatly weakening our defences against foreign aggressors (throughout history there have been many hundreds of invasions and wars, some of which – such as WW2 – you may have heard of), Eastern Europe will be returned to the loving arms of Putin, and we’ll be more able to unify with Russia too, with a wistful sigh from Corbyn that Islington can’t be moved to Moscow. One of the best policies.
5. Demolish the UK arms trade!
Corbyn would like to see the “brilliance and skill of those in the arms industry be converted for peaceful purposes”. Those lucky people will be re-employed weaving red carpets for when Putin and Chairman Jinping come marching into Britain!
6. Peace with ISIS!
Jeremy cancelling our effective (and surprisingly non-fatal to civilians – Operation Shader has had zero civilian casualties) military campaigns against ISIS will help stop the slaughter of these plucky ideological terrorists. Instead Jeremy will talk to them to convince them to stop their kooky rituals of massacring anyone who isn’t in ISIS, taking children as sex slaves and chucking homosexuals from towers!
7. A maximum wage!
Jeremy wants to introduce a maximum wage so you can be sure nobody’s having that much more fun than you! Nobody that’s stayed in the country anyway; high earners who have moved abroad to countries that don’t punish wealth creation will still be having a ball. One of Jeremy Corbyn’s best policies, because we’re motivated by spite.
8. Quantitative Easing FOR THE PEOPLE!
Instead of QE being used to stimulate the economy during an economic crash, Jeremy wants to use it to print free money for the government to give away! FREE MONEY! Who wouldn’t want that? Adding a touch of Zimbabwean zest to our economy in this way will stimulate wheelbarrow manufacturers as everyone will need one to carry their hyperinflated life savings to the shop to buy a loaf of bread.
9. “Friends” with Middle East terror groups
Jeremy has pledged to build stronger relationships with our “friends” in the terror organisations Hezbollah and Hamas, which have stated missions to wipe out Jews and Israel. Jeremy would help this along by enforcing a boycott of Israeli goods. Nice!
10. Renationalised energy and transport
Railways were nationalised in 1993 and now carry twice as many passengers more cheaply and reliably. Jeremy Corbyn’s best policies will renationalise the energy and transport sectors. Spending hundreds of billions of pounds to reimbue these industries with public sector inefficiency will mean cushty jobs for unionised workers like me and you! Remember the glory days of the 70’s when we had rolling blackouts and three day weeks? People had time to spend with their children and go on picnics.
11. Vastly increase the deficit! Magic money!
Jeremy has pledged to run up a deficit of potentially hundreds of billions of pounds by borrowing and spending! But don’t worry, he’s carefully worked out on the back of a fag packet that if we invest an extra £1bn in HMRC, we’ll gather an extra £120bn in previously evaded tax. HMRC themselves say the maximum possible they could collect is £37bn, but Jeremy knows better. Magic!
12. Rent controls! Allotments!
Jeremy’s proposed rent controls will introduce a golden era of illegal subletting and choke off investment in new housing! Never mind that it doesn’t address the underlying cause of the problem which is a lack of housing. Corbyn also told the Commons in 2008 that councils and builders “should be doing their best to ensure that every new development includes some allotment space”. Jeremy Corbyn – strong on the most pressing issues in the UK.
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