Tony Blair’s Chilcot statement translated – what he REALLY meant
For all of this, I express more sorrow, regret and apology than you can ever know or believe.
I’ve spent the last 7 years studiously avoiding expressing any sorrow, regret or apology. But now I’ve finally been called to the headmaster’s office, I’m suddenly incredibly sorrowful.
The report should lay to rest allegations of bad faith, lies or deceit.
I’m going to pull quotes from this report like a film poster pulls quotes from a review.
The decision to go to war in Iraq, and remove Saddam Hussein from power, in a coalition of over 40 nations led by the USA, was the hardest, most momentous and agonising decision I took in my 10 years as British Prime Minister.
I say my decision – it was George W Bush’s decision. Just think, if Al Gore had won that election, there would be a statue of me on every corner.
For that decision, I accept responsibility in full – without exception or excuse.
The following is a list of exceptions and excuses.
Whether people agree or disagree with my decision to take military action against Saddam Hussein, I took it in good faith and in what I believed to be the best interests of the country.
I had FAITH, people! Faith in JEEE-SUS! God told me to go to war. I think the word of God overrides any stupid boring ‘intelligence’ from mortal people.
I note that the report finds clearly:
– That there was no falsification or improper use of intelligence (para 876 vol 4)
George Bush didn’t have any intelligence to misuse. He couldn’t find his arse with both hands.
– No deception of cabinet (para 953, vol 5)
The cabinet didn’t need deceiving – politicians love wars! They make us feel like big men. Instead of sitting in endless stuffy meetings about trade agreements or local authority housing policy, we get to go in helicopters! They give us helmets and Ray-Bans and we fly really fast like at the start of Predator and then we get out and loads of muscley guys salute. Wars are fucking GREAT.
– No secret commitment to war whether at Crawford Texas in April 2002 or elsewhere (para 572 onwards, vol 1)
Well, I did send that memo saying “I will be with you, whatever”. But that’s me trying to get back into music, this time writing lyrics for Celine Dion.
The inquiry does not make a finding on the legal basis for military action but finds that the attorney general had concluded there was such a lawful basis by 13th March 2003. However, the report does make real and material criticisms of preparation, planning, process and of the relationship with the United States.
So the report says I totally fucked it up. But somehow it feels like I’m being exonerated. How does that work?
These are serious criticisms and they require serious answers. I will respond in detail to them later this afternoon.
This’ll all have blown over by then, right guys?
I will take full responsibility for any mistakes without exception or excuse.
I will take complete and utter responsibility without exception or excuse for anything people can manage to pin on me as a MISTAKE, not a bungle, failure, fudge, whoopsy, misadventure, blunder, lapse, miscalculation, snafoo, boo-boo, flub or unnecessary slaughter of over a million people.
I will at the same time say why, nonetheless, I believe that it was better to remove Saddam Hussein….
Saddam Hussein was bad – he would’ve happily killed as many people as I did if he’d actually had any weapons of mass destruction.
…and why I do not believe this is the cause of the terrorism we see today whether in the Middle East or elsewhere in the world.
It contradicts the opinion of top military advisors, geopolitical strategists, intelligence analysts and Middle Eastern experts, but I think that my time as the MP for Sedgefield gave me insights that they don’t have.
Above all I will pay tribute to our armed forces.
Especially the ones I unnecessarily sent to their death.
I believed that the removal of Saddam Hussein would free up the region even if Iraqis may feel ambivalent about being invaded.
We’ve had loads of military occupations of countries in the past – Ireland, India, most other countries – and they tended to end with horrific violence and instability. But we thought this time the Arabs would just feel a bit “meh” about it.
Afterwards I worked on the mid East peace process to atone for my mistakes made in Iraq.
Breweries were unwilling to hire me to coordinate pissups within their facilities.
You might also be interested in our translation of Boris Johnson’s post-Brexit statement.
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