6 Reasons Gerbils Are Better Than Your Stupid Pet
Whether it’s eager faced children in pet shops or diligent scientists testing medicines on them in labs, gerbils have entranced humanity with their inquisitive nature and warm, furry faces. They are the holy grail of pets – clean, friendly and fluffy. But some idiots still get pets that are not gerbils. Here we explain why other animals are rubbish and gerbils are much better.
Gerbils are better than cats
Cats. These mincing, aloof pricks walk around like snooty clothes shop assistants, showing everyone their horrible pink arseholes. If you have a cat, nobody wants to come to your house. It makes us sneeze, there’s hair in the butter and we know there’s a tray of gravel somewhere with dusty little shits in it. Whereas a couple of gerbils in a lovely self-contained gerbilarium make a delightful talking point and don’t get their hairs in the butter (although you probably wouldn’t notice their soft golden hairs if they did).
Cats do provide a useful function in society, allowing women to signal to men that their ovaries have shrivelled up and their vagina has closed over. But if you are still dating, gerbils can be used as a handy personality test for potential suitors. If you bring a man home and show him your gerbils and he goes “Oh cool! Gerbils! Can I play with them please” then you know that he is a good man and you should give him a blowjob and marry him. If he doesn’t, then he is a cunt and you should mace him and tell him to get the fuck OUT OF MY APARTMENT.
Cats are the ideal pet for someone who likes the idea of delightful small songbird being tortured and killed, but doesn’t want to do it themselves, so would prefer to delegate this genocide. Basically, if you’ve got a cat, you’re Hitler and your cat is Goebels. Whereas gerbils are the Bill Clinton of the animal world – incredibly randy, but loved by everyone.
Cats should NEVER be owned by men. It’s just wrong.
Gerbils are better than dogs
Dogs are stupid. They slobber over everything and smell bad when they’re wet. My mate had a dog that got stuck in a rabbit hole and had to be dug out. Then it ate a cassette tape (Now That’s What I Call Music! 36, if anyone’s interested). We couldn’t work out why the dog was sick, then a length of tape appeared from its anus. If the dog had a speaker fitted to its arse we may have heard a snippet of Chaka Demus and Pliers as it slowly shat out the tape.
The vet had to operate but sadly, despite our best efforts with a biro, we were unable to spool the tape back on to a cassette. A gerbil would never get stuck in a rabbit hole, or eat an entire 90’s chart compilation tape.
Dogs’ stupidity is due to centuries of inbreeding, which has left them with genetic material as recessive as the Royal Family. I’m not going to lie – gerbils are prone to inbreeding, but if you pick ones with a natural agouti colour then you increase your chances of getting healthy little flooffers.
Also, dogs eat disgusting smelly meat in cans, like a Russian, and crouch by the side of the road to do disgusting smelly shits, like a Russian. Which you’re expected to pick up with a bag over your hand! Do you really want to feel warm squidgey dog shit in your hand? Being desert animals, gerbils are adapted to living in arid conditions with very little water. So they do tiny little dry poops. Which you don’t need to pick up with tweezers and put in one of those tiny bags that drug dealers use.
They brought the bubonic plague to Europe and they have nasty pink little eyes and naked pink tails like devil willies. Gerbils have got fluffy tails and probably don’t harbour any pathogens capable of wiping out a third of the civilised world. In fact, gerbils help people. Legend has it that Genghis Khan was saved from a deadly assassin by a gerbil which bit his attacker. From then on Genghis was inseparable from his brave rodent bodyguard. Has a rat ever saved you from an assassin? I didn’t think so.
Scientists thought that gerbils were more stupid than rats in maze tests as the gerbils took longer to get to the food – until they realised that the gerbils were so intelligent, they prioritised exploring the whole maze over going straight to the food! The scientists then realised that the gerbils were smarter than the scientists and gave the gerbils their white coats to wear and climbed into the maze themselves.
Once bred for food by the Aztecs, guinea pigs’ usefulness as a source of protein has been usurped by larger, tastier animals such as cows and chickens. And they know it. Look at the face on the guinea pig to the left. That’s the dull, hopeless face of an animal that for generations has faced the butcher’s knife.
Gerbils have never been farmed for food so haven’t had that docile dullness bred into them. They’re full of energy and incredibly inquisitive. Guinea pigs just sit there like stupid little hairy pillows. Food goes in one end, shit comes out the other. You might as well get a tapeworm.
Rabbits sit in a dank hutch eating lettuce and popping out horrible little maltesers of shit. They’re too large, they’re boring and they don’t do anything. But rabbits hide violent secrets behind their bland fluffy exterior. If try to hold them their back legs will rake your arm like Edward Scissorhands trying to find a vein. And the rabbit documentary Watership Down revealed that they have a hereditary monarchy and befriend seagulls. Do you want a seagull in your house, nicking your chips? No? Then get a gerbil.
Despite the lies espoused in the Simon and Garfunkel song, “Bright Eyes”, rabbits do not have bright eyes. They have dull, soulless eyes. Gerbils have shiny eyes that sparkle with joy, especially if you supplement their diet of dry kibble with live insects. Gerbils don’t do that pathetic lifeless hop that rabbits do either. They run FAST! They stand up on their hind legs, like people! A gerbil could easily escape a predator such as a fox. A rabbit however would just get eaten.
90’s BBC radio DJs Mark and Lard discovered that if you play “Bright Eyes” in a certain way, it reveals the secret about rabbits and their “Shite Eyes”:
“Hamsters are just like gerbils!” people assume, stupidly. They’re not. Gerbils are lean, elegant, athletic animals. Hamsters just sit there, small and round and boring. They have expressionless little round eyes, compared to gerbils’ large smiling eyes. And they’re solitary animals whereas gerbils are gregarious social animals who play together and sleep in a big fluffy pile. Get a hamster? You might as well draw eyes on an egg.
Do you disagree? Do you have a pet that you think is better than a gerbil? Well you’re wrong, but tell us about it anyway:
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