If countries did internet dating – Britain
Basically Great Britain’s Tinder profile. Yolo!
NAME: Great Britain
LIVES: In the best bit of Britain on the planet (as well as the hottest). Britain as it used to be, Britain as it should be. A Britain of red phone boxes, red ensigns and red noses. A Britain of warm beer, tepid beef and cool relations with the neighbours. A Britain where the term “PC” means a good old British bobby on the beat, and not some hippy nonsense about being nice to our swarthier neighbours, with their foul-smelling food, incomprehensible language and unbuttoned clothing. Evict the lot of them I say, and let us take over the place. Soon knock it into shape.
YOU WILL BE: Sensible, cautious, suspicious. Curtain-twitching skills an advantage, airmail subscription to The Daily Express required.
LIKES: The Queen, her family and all her successors. God Bless you Ma’am!
DISLIKES: 1. Paying tax. 2. The so-called “Prime Minister” Harold bloody Wilson (pardon my non-English ladies) and his fellow communists – though we don’t appear to hear too much about them nowadays. Probably beggared off to join their paymasters in the USSR.
IDEAL DAY OUT. Spending an hour exploring every inch of the best country in “Europe” while staying a safe distance from the border. Wouldn’t want to catch “Spanish Tummy”.
HOBBIES: Frowning, rustling the Telegraph irritably, tutting, sneering at anyone under 40, avoiding tax, dogging.
WHAT MY ONLY FRIEND SAYS ABOUT ME: “The best of British – and the worst of xenophobes”