If countries did internet dating – Scotland
Basically Scotland’s Tinder profile. Yolo!!
APPEARANCE: Strapping, large-thighed.
YOU WILL BE: Fit, strong, outdoorsy, well-built. Not like those bloody ponces next door. Not that I care about them but they get on my bloody nerves.
WOULD LIME TO MEET: Anyone who plays rugby. But not from that other place we don’t mention.
BEST FEATURE: Just being the bloody best. Miles better than the neighbours – not that I care – I mean, how many more of them are there? Well I’ll tell you: them 23.13 million, us 4.471 million. And we’re still the best at everything.
IDEAL DAY OUT: A long walk under the Long White Cloud. Best weather in the world. Who needs sunshine, blue skies, warmth? Just poofters, that’s all.
IDEAL NIGHT OUT: The opera. Naah – just kidding. What sort of crappy country would build a bloody, poncey Opera House where you could stick a perfectly decent rugby ground? Not that I care. Never give them a second thought.