10 Maddest Haircuts in Football History
Footballers have too much money, adulation and time on their hands, so it’s inevitable that they end up with haircuts that would make a Beverly Hills poodle groomer blush. Here are ten of the worst haircuts from the annals of footballing history…
1. Ronaldo’s “Brazilian wax”
One of the greatest players of all time, Ronaldo apparently visited one of the worst hairdressers of all time. We’re not sure what he was thinking when he asked them to shave his head and leave a little tuft at the front – but perhaps it’s a homage to the pubic styling named after his home country of Brazil?
2. Chris Waddle’s “Mega Mullet”
In fairness, it was the 80s, and mullets were as cool then as top-knots and tattoos are now (and yes, we are looking forward to 2028 when we’ll all be laughing at hipsters). But this is a mullet too far. He looks like Pat Sharp or a roadie for Mr Big.
3. David Beckham’s “I’m DMX”
Corn rows look good on big muscley American rappers. They don’t look good on skinny white lads from Chingford. Beckham should be lucky he’s only appearing in this list once; despite being a style icon, Mr Posh Spice has had every dodgy haircut under the sun, from mohicans to Morrissey quiffs. You’re more BMX than DMX, Dave.
4. Carlos Valderrama’s “Scouse Mop”
Straight out of Harry Enfield’s Scousers sketch, Carlos “el Pibe” Valderrama’s bouffante curls echoed his flamboyant style on the pitch. His massive hair didn’t slow him down though – he appeared 111 times for Colombia.
5. Pogba’s “Billboard”
Is he advertising DAB radio on the side of his head? To be fair, Paul Pogba’s haircut is hardly the most heinous fashion crime to come out of France. And someone has clearly put a lot of effort into this. Sadly, it’s resulted in him looking like a backing dancer for JLS.
6. René Higuita’s “If I Could Turn Back Time”
For some reason, most footballers in the 80s just wanted to look like Cher. Not all of them had the guts to pull off a perm so voluminous it must have been a fire hazard, but René Higuita was happy to go there. Here’s a picture of him looking out the window as a sad song comes on the radio, pretending he’s in the video.
7. Djibril Cissé’s “Neptune, God Of The Sea”
French footballer Djibril Cissé is no stranger to making a mess on his head. He’s had bright green dreadlocks, mohawks, zig-zag lines – but none of them have topped this “peroxide corn rows crossed with a mohican and finished with bleached goatee” monstrosity. He looks like a badly animated CGI version of Neptune, God Of The Sea in a made-for-TV movie.
8. Brek Shea’s “Sick Tintin”
What he wanted to look like: Tintin
What he looked like when he walked out of the hairdressers: Jedward
What he looked like after running around on a football pitch for 90 minutes: Boris Johnson with AIDS.
9. Marouane Fellaini’s “Bog Brush”
Another surprisingly unaerodynamic haircut for someone who makes a living running up and down very fast, Manchester United’s Marouane Fellaini’s gangly frame exacerbates the effect of his massive ‘fro. Bizarrely, he has a twin brother who has also looked through the catalogue in the hairdressers and said “no, you know what? Make me look like a bog brush”.
10.Giovanni Simeone “WTFFF???”
JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS THAT??? A cross between Sinead O’Connor, Monkey Magic and a hard boiled egg that’s been rolled across a barber’s floor, Giovanni Simeone’s ghastly head manages to combine the sexiness of male pattern baldness with the allure of a tiny ineffectual pony tail. We can only hope it’s designed to be aerodynamic or gain more traction on the ball or something. Beyond awful.
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